Most families know what a traditional funeral looks like, before they ever need to plan one. That familiarity is the point of it, and it can serve many well. However increasingly families keep coming back to the same quiet feeling, that a funeral just doesn’t feel like them. This isn’t because tradition is wrong, but because of who they were as a person. Because you want the day to feel like it belongs to them, not to a format.
You can imagine the funeral, you just can’t picture them fitting in it.
You often start by picturing their remembrance traditionally. Everyone seated in rows, with a hushed quiet before anyone has even spoken. Then you try to imagine your person in the middle of this and they keep slipping out of the frame. Sometimes the room is just too quiet for someone who brought so much energy with them. Like the person who filled the kitchen with banging pans or never stopped cheering for their team. For some it’s because they never enjoyed a formal occasion in their life, so it’s so hard to picture remembering them that way. For whatever reason, you can picture the funeral, you just can’t see them in it.
It’s a way to show you understand who they were.
A funeral can be beautiful, and still be the wrong fit for the person or family. Choosing something else is not a slight to anyone else’s goodbye. It’s about respecting and celebrating who they were, how they were loved, in a format that feels like a natural fit to them. It’s a way to show you understand who they were. That you want the gathering to show how they were in life, with an atmosphere that would feel natural to them.
It’s not “what does a Celebration of Life include?” Ask “would they feel comfortable in this room?” Every later choice hangs off that.
A Celebration of Life doesn’t have a rigid setup, layout or timeline. While that is freeing, it can also have you searching for a list of what should be included. A better idea is whenever you’re asked to make a choice consider, would they have felt comfortable in this room? Would they have fit in here? Let that core idea sit in front of every choice. The timeline, how people move, what is being offered. If the answer is yes, you’re planning in the right direction.
Informal is not the same as unplanned. You don’t need a program for the day to run well, or for people to feel cared for.
There is still a plan, it’s just one that fits your family. There may not be reserved pews, but there will be tables and comfortable seats for those who can’t stay on their feet. While also allowing room for people to mix, mingle and hug. You don’t need a formal receiving line for guests to be greeted at the door and made to feel welcome. Afterwards when someone says “that didn’t feel like a funeral”, they will mean the shape. They will not mean that your loved one wasn’t remembered.
This isn’t trying to be different or original. You are declining a script that does not fit. So the goodbye reflects them.
Some goodbyes need the familiar shape of a traditional funeral. Some do not, because that shape does not feel like the person being celebrated. Choosing something else is not a rejection of tradition. It is a way of respecting who they were.
If you are considering a Celebration of Life and want to see whether Bellamere could hold it, contact us. Every gathering is different. You can reach us by phone or email, and private tours are available if you would like to see the halls and grounds.
